Become a U.S. Citizen in less than 10 minutes

Today, the sky cried as Bolivia lost another of her citizens to the United States. Today was the day I swore allegiance and took an oath to become an American Citizen. What does it take to become an American Citizen, you may ask. Is it a magic incantation recited over a naked virgin covered in blood? Is it a baptism that cleanses your soul which absolves you of sins past by a priest that has powers unimaginable to mere mortals that can only be described as god-like?

The answer is YES. When you go to swear in, you go to a holy temple to perform the ritual called a “Dirksen Federal Building.” This ritual can only be performed by a highest of the local priests sometimes referred as “jugdes from the U.S. District Court Northern District IL.” The high priest is so sacred that she cannot be photographed only looked at. Not even the ground she walks on where the miracle is performed is allowed to be photographed. Before the high priest can perform this sacred of rituals, she requires the canidates to be kept in a certain order so as to not to have chaos on her sacred ground. So she designates helper altar priests called “INS Officers” who confirm who you are and verifiy that you are indeed holy enough to stand before the high priest. They do this with varies tests. One of which is a questionaire of ten questions. One question asks you if you joined a communist party or nazi party in the last 30 days. Only after completing this test and mark it with your signature may you enter the sacred ground of the high priest. Once everyone is seated in the order you entered the temple can the ceremony begin.

Although the canidates need to arrive at 8am the high priest does not actually need to be present for the preparations so she arrives about an hour and fifteen minutes later to ensure that we are commited to the ceremony. Once the baptism begins, we are kept quiet as she receits some incantations to prepare for the actual conversion.Me recieving my American Citizen Certificate

When she finishes speaking, as if possesed by some great spirit, everyone raises their right hand and begins to recite an “Oath of Allegiance” spell. In this “Oath” spell, there is stuff about renouncing previous states and sovereignties and to support the new tribe and its laws by taking arms against all enemies, foreign and domestic. After all said and done you awaken to a feeling of a passion for your new home. You feel compelled to say a little prayer of your own called “Pledge of Allegiance.”

Once all this is completed, the high priest’s job is done and she retires to her cavern of darkness. The altar priests rush to the newly joined brethern and give them a holy piece of a tree that signifies that you have been freed and now everyone must acknowledge your new freedom. It also serves as proof to all who doubt you of your religious experience so you may obtain another one that is used for traveling.

The whole ceremony takes less than 10 minutes long. Afterwards, you feel like going to your home to reflect on your experience. Trying to leave the sacred temple is a lot harder than getting in because you find yourself surounded by other bretern who want you to join their group for “Voting” for some new leader. They inform you that you can now participate in future holy events like “jury duty”. After doing this, you may leave the temple and walk back into the dark and stormy weather outside where you only have your thoughts left wondering whether this was all worth it. I will keep you posted.

Written on: July 20, 2006 @ 17:08 Edited on: Post Date

9 Responses to “Become a U.S. Citizen in less than 10 minutes”

  1. akuma Says:


  2. Prisoner Says:

    Congrats fellow Acolyte. Now we must perform the ritualistic slaying of the non-believers! Death to all Brownies!!!

  3. kowgod Says:

    It is now your patriotic duty to join the Army. Start pulling some weight around here.

  4. Taz Says:

    Pull some weight, huh? Tell me, how was your 9 weeks at boot camp? damn hippies.

  5. pred Says:

    Congrats on citizenship, Taz. Is it too late to register to vote for this year’s elections? Did the ceremony count as registration?

  6. kowgod Says:

    In Cook County you can register to vote up to up to 30 days before the election, so he has plenty of time. More info here:

  7. gregh Says:

    Good! Now start paying into Social Security!

    Congrats Taz.

  8. Taz Says:

    I am already registered to vote. I also already pay Social Security. You don’t need to be a citizen to pay into that. Looks like everyone gets screwed when it comes to that. no matter where you are from.

  9. Moody Says:

    it took me near 4 years to get my citizenship 🙁