Archive for August, 2006

An open letter to Chicago Aldermen

Thursday, August 24th, 2006

Dear Aldermen,

I wish to congratulate you on the success you have had in banning foi gras throughout Chicago. The cruelty the birds go through in their finals weeks of life is inhuman. I can only hope that the rest of the country follows your lead.

Please do not stop your crusade at foi gras. I wish to bring to your attention the Peruvian delicacy of guinnie pig. In the United States guinea pig is a common pet kept by millions of American children, not something to appear on your dinner plate! Could you imagine the horror little Timmy would suffer if he saw Nibbles on a spit? Completely unacceptable, you must continue your crusade against obscure foods that virtually no one eats, and ban the sale of guinea pig for human consumption in Chicago!

I realize that there are only a handful of Peruvian restaurants are in Chicago, and I don’t think any of them have guinea pig on the menu, but we cannot take the chance the restaurants will not start serving guinea pig. I know some people foolishly say that the free-market can dictate what is acceptable for human consumption. But they are wrong. If free-market worked then there would be no sale of foi gras in Chicago. Instead there was a steady stream of consumption of foi gras in Chicago.

I know you have several pressing issues to deal with in Chicago (Education, Budget, Property Tax’s, Poverty, Crime, Minimum Wage, Corruption, Unemployment) but you need to continue your crusade for animal rights, and ban the sale of guinea pig at restaurants!

(Not a resident of Chicago)

War was great, lets do it again next week!

Tuesday, August 15th, 2006

So Israel and Hezbollah now have a cease-fire. No one is optimistic that the cease-fire will last, and the hostilities will explode in the future. It’s weird, but everyone seems to be saying they won this war. Hezbollah’s leader is saying he won basically because he isn’t dead. Syria and Iran are being cheerleaders and saying Hezbollah won. Israel is saying they won by crippling Hezbollah and preventing the Hezbollah state within Lebanon state from continue to exist. While the US is cheering that Hezbollah lost, and we won for brokering a cease-fire. Whatever happened to the original cause of this dispute? Has Shebaa Farms changed hands? What happened to the kidnapped Israeli solders? All that seams to be clear is several thousand people died, and countless homes were destroyed. But hey, at least everyone was a winner.

All of this just reminds of Civilizations. Now my years of Civilizations playing has taught me how Lebanon can solve their Shebaa Farms problem. Lebanon should focus on culture building and try expanding their culture to get the Shebaa Farms. Maybe work on getting a great artist to be born, and performing a great work of art in Shebaa. Lebanon better start moving on the culture plan, because the game ends in 44 turns, unless they choose to play one more turn.

Become a U.S. Citizen in less than 10 minutes

Thursday, August 3rd, 2006

Today, the sky cried as Bolivia lost another of her citizens to the United States. Today was the day I swore allegiance and took an oath to become an American Citizen. What does it take to become an American Citizen, you may ask. Is it a magic incantation recited over a naked virgin covered in blood? Is it a baptism that cleanses your soul which absolves you of sins past by a priest that has powers unimaginable to mere mortals that can only be described as god-like?

The answer is YES. When you go to swear in, you go to a holy temple to perform the ritual called a “Dirksen Federal Building.” This ritual can only be performed by a highest of the local priests sometimes referred as “jugdes from the U.S. District Court Northern District IL.” The high priest is so sacred that she cannot be photographed only looked at. Not even the ground she walks on where the miracle is performed is allowed to be photographed. Before the high priest can perform this sacred of rituals, she requires the canidates to be kept in a certain order so as to not to have chaos on her sacred ground. So she designates helper altar priests called “INS Officers” who confirm who you are and verifiy that you are indeed holy enough to stand before the high priest. They do this with varies tests. One of which is a questionaire of ten questions. One question asks you if you joined a communist party or nazi party in the last 30 days. Only after completing this test and mark it with your signature may you enter the sacred ground of the high priest. Once everyone is seated in the order you entered the temple can the ceremony begin.

Although the canidates need to arrive at 8am the high priest does not actually need to be present for the preparations so she arrives about an hour and fifteen minutes later to ensure that we are commited to the ceremony. Once the baptism begins, we are kept quiet as she receits some incantations to prepare for the actual conversion.Me recieving my American Citizen Certificate

When she finishes speaking, as if possesed by some great spirit, everyone raises their right hand and begins to recite an “Oath of Allegiance” spell. In this “Oath” spell, there is stuff about renouncing previous states and sovereignties and to support the new tribe and its laws by taking arms against all enemies, foreign and domestic. After all said and done you awaken to a feeling of a passion for your new home. You feel compelled to say a little prayer of your own called “Pledge of Allegiance.”

Once all this is completed, the high priest’s job is done and she retires to her cavern of darkness. The altar priests rush to the newly joined brethern and give them a holy piece of a tree that signifies that you have been freed and now everyone must acknowledge your new freedom. It also serves as proof to all who doubt you of your religious experience so you may obtain another one that is used for traveling.

The whole ceremony takes less than 10 minutes long. Afterwards, you feel like going to your home to reflect on your experience. Trying to leave the sacred temple is a lot harder than getting in because you find yourself surounded by other bretern who want you to join their group for “Voting” for some new leader. They inform you that you can now participate in future holy events like “jury duty”. After doing this, you may leave the temple and walk back into the dark and stormy weather outside where you only have your thoughts left wondering whether this was all worth it. I will keep you posted.

Written on: July 20, 2006 @ 17:08 Edited on: Post Date

I think I may losing your mind

Wednesday, August 2nd, 2006

I have recently been drifting in and out of what most people would consider to be rational thought. After having resurected my iPod using the “Drop and Pray” method I found myself listening to my whole playlist on random. This is an activity I highly discourage. Especially all of you out there who think reality is a Hoopy place to be. The opening cords were not familiar to me so I glanced at my much abused screen. I caught the name of the track and had what I can only describe as a temporary detatchment of my cerebral cortex. It turns out that I was listening to the MI2 sountrack. The specific track was named “Nyah” pronounced Nye-Ah. However I read this as Niii-ya (imagine a Pirate going nya-nya-nya) I found this so odd and amusing that I rather loudly repeated the word outloud as I heard it in my head. On a side note this all occured during my break at work and I had been sitting in the Hospital Cafeteria. Needless to say my sudden outburst caused a few heads to turn. As soon as I finished my outbusrt I realized the proper pronunciation of said song title. This then stuck me as incredibly amusing and I began to laugh at myself muttering Nyah (improperly pronounced) in between my bouts of laughter. I don’t think that it comes as a surprise that even more heads were turning a this point.

So I have come to ask myself why my mind seems to go on brief holidays and I have come to the conclusion that I am borrowing my sanity from some source. Or perhaps it is a time-share.  I am not entirely sure. All I know is that my credit seems to be running thin at the mind-bank. Come to think of it wasnt “Overdrawn at the Memory Bank” a really bad Sci-Fi movie with Raul Julia in it? Spending time as a fox as punishment for a crime must be strange. But then I would know if I was a dog or a cat. What the hell are foxes?!?! Hmm I think I am done imitating Chef Brian for a while. Back to floating around in a man made lake with a cooler of beer on a liferaft I suppose.