Archive for the 'politics' Category

An open letter to Chicago Aldermen

Thursday, August 24th, 2006

Dear Aldermen,

I wish to congratulate you on the success you have had in banning foi gras throughout Chicago. The cruelty the birds go through in their finals weeks of life is inhuman. I can only hope that the rest of the country follows your lead.

Please do not stop your crusade at foi gras. I wish to bring to your attention the Peruvian delicacy of guinnie pig. In the United States guinea pig is a common pet kept by millions of American children, not something to appear on your dinner plate! Could you imagine the horror little Timmy would suffer if he saw Nibbles on a spit? Completely unacceptable, you must continue your crusade against obscure foods that virtually no one eats, and ban the sale of guinea pig for human consumption in Chicago!

I realize that there are only a handful of Peruvian restaurants are in Chicago, and I don’t think any of them have guinea pig on the menu, but we cannot take the chance the restaurants will not start serving guinea pig. I know some people foolishly say that the free-market can dictate what is acceptable for human consumption. But they are wrong. If free-market worked then there would be no sale of foi gras in Chicago. Instead there was a steady stream of consumption of foi gras in Chicago.

I know you have several pressing issues to deal with in Chicago (Education, Budget, Property Tax’s, Poverty, Crime, Minimum Wage, Corruption, Unemployment) but you need to continue your crusade for animal rights, and ban the sale of guinea pig at restaurants!

(Not a resident of Chicago)

Become a U.S. Citizen in less than 10 minutes

Thursday, August 3rd, 2006

Today, the sky cried as Bolivia lost another of her citizens to the United States. Today was the day I swore allegiance and took an oath to become an American Citizen. What does it take to become an American Citizen, you may ask. Is it a magic incantation recited over a naked virgin covered in blood? Is it a baptism that cleanses your soul which absolves you of sins past by a priest that has powers unimaginable to mere mortals that can only be described as god-like?

The answer is YES. When you go to swear in, you go to a holy temple to perform the ritual called a “Dirksen Federal Building.” This ritual can only be performed by a highest of the local priests sometimes referred as “jugdes from the U.S. District Court Northern District IL.” The high priest is so sacred that she cannot be photographed only looked at. Not even the ground she walks on where the miracle is performed is allowed to be photographed. Before the high priest can perform this sacred of rituals, she requires the canidates to be kept in a certain order so as to not to have chaos on her sacred ground. So she designates helper altar priests called “INS Officers” who confirm who you are and verifiy that you are indeed holy enough to stand before the high priest. They do this with varies tests. One of which is a questionaire of ten questions. One question asks you if you joined a communist party or nazi party in the last 30 days. Only after completing this test and mark it with your signature may you enter the sacred ground of the high priest. Once everyone is seated in the order you entered the temple can the ceremony begin.

Although the canidates need to arrive at 8am the high priest does not actually need to be present for the preparations so she arrives about an hour and fifteen minutes later to ensure that we are commited to the ceremony. Once the baptism begins, we are kept quiet as she receits some incantations to prepare for the actual conversion.Me recieving my American Citizen Certificate

When she finishes speaking, as if possesed by some great spirit, everyone raises their right hand and begins to recite an “Oath of Allegiance” spell. In this “Oath” spell, there is stuff about renouncing previous states and sovereignties and to support the new tribe and its laws by taking arms against all enemies, foreign and domestic. After all said and done you awaken to a feeling of a passion for your new home. You feel compelled to say a little prayer of your own called “Pledge of Allegiance.”

Once all this is completed, the high priest’s job is done and she retires to her cavern of darkness. The altar priests rush to the newly joined brethern and give them a holy piece of a tree that signifies that you have been freed and now everyone must acknowledge your new freedom. It also serves as proof to all who doubt you of your religious experience so you may obtain another one that is used for traveling.

The whole ceremony takes less than 10 minutes long. Afterwards, you feel like going to your home to reflect on your experience. Trying to leave the sacred temple is a lot harder than getting in because you find yourself surounded by other bretern who want you to join their group for “Voting” for some new leader. They inform you that you can now participate in future holy events like “jury duty”. After doing this, you may leave the temple and walk back into the dark and stormy weather outside where you only have your thoughts left wondering whether this was all worth it. I will keep you posted.

Written on: July 20, 2006 @ 17:08 Edited on: Post Date

A Tax on Walmart…

Friday, July 28th, 2006

This week in Chicago, the city council is passed a new ordinance that would require “Big-Box” retailers (90,000 sq ft, and 1 billion in gross sales) in Chicago to pay $10/hour with $3 in benefits by 2010, after that it increases with inflation. This law is targeting Wal-Mart, but will also apply to Target, Home Depot, and others. Before the ordinance passed Wal-Mart said it would not build stores in Chicago if it passed. Target claimed it would close store in the city.

Several people are calling this a living wage law. I don’t believe it is, it is just an anti-Wal-Mart law. If you wanted to pass a living wage law, then make the minimum wage $10/hour for everyone. Not just “Box-Box” retailers. All you will do by passing this ordinance is making headlines, possibly get reelected, and discourage the building of 90,000 sq ft stores. If reports of Wal-Mart’s penny pinching are to be believed, Wal-Mart would still build stores in Chicago, Wal-Mart would just hire fewer people to run the stores.

If this ordinance remains on the books, it will be interesting to see the economic impacts on the communities in and around Chicago.

Shouldn’t you be working on something important?

Tuesday, June 6th, 2006

“Marriage in the United States shall consist only of the union of a man and a woman. Neither this Constitution, nor the constitution of any State, shall be construed to require that marriage or the legal incidents thereof be conferred upon any union other than the union of a man and a woman.”

The senate is currently debating if we should add this text (or another very similar version) to the constitution. Is it just me or aren’t their more important things congress should be working on? It almost feels like you walk by an employee’s cube and you catch them playing minesweeper instead of working. We have a skyrocketing national debt, heath care costs are exploding, long-term social security viability, our nationwide dependence on oil, hell even immigration reform is a better topic. It may just be me, but gay marriage is such a low priority for me.

Personally I believe homosexual’s should be allowed to marry, and be treated the same as everyone else. It may take a generation or two but this will happen.

On the record

Wednesday, April 19th, 2006

With 0% of precincts reporting, Pete Fuller is able to declare Al Gore as the next President of the United States. Congratulations to him and his running mate, the next Vice President of the United States, Hillary Clinton.

You saw it here first…

Reason #623,948 Why Pete is a Liberal Whackjob

Monday, February 27th, 2006

At some point during the 2004 primary campaign season, I declared that support for Bush is a character flaw. I remember at that time, some people became angry at what they considered to be me making a broad generalization about Bush supporters, and knowing how I myself hate broad generalizations, thought me to be a hypocrite.


Long live the protest song!

Thursday, January 12th, 2006

Update: I just heard this song played on XRT. Good stuff. Glad it’s getting airplay somewhere. If you haven’t heard it yet, I urge you to listen to it now, below.

Despite a desperate need for them, there has been a sadly noticeable lack of popular protest songs over the past five or six years. It seems to me as if the large corporations who run the music industry are too afraid to produce music which might lead to a backlash amongst a small, but vocal opposition. But the protest song isn’t dead yet. James McMurtry has recently released a powerful new song depicting the lives of soldiers, single mothers and the working poor all at once. The song is called “We Can’t Make It Here” and you can download it from his website, or through the links below. I recommend giving it a listen…